


A Handful of Blunder

by annaloverofarendale



Category: Arrested Development
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-09
Updated: 2016-05-04
Packaged: 2018-03-22 00:59:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 8,632
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3709169
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/annaloverofarendale/pseuds/annaloverofarendale
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Some drabbles: Blunder Soulmate AU, Tony and Bluth family (and frosting), the boys go camping, baker AU, and more</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Just the Blunder fic recs I took last night, Ao3 is good for keeping them in the public domain. Feel free to send me more recs! I love y'all.

Michael was the first Bluth to see in color. He ran into Gob’s room, out of breath and wild. He told Gob about chestnut hair, and blue eyes, and light brown freckles on a pale pink face. Tracey was her name, and Michael was going to take her to the movies on Friday. 

Michael was 14. 

Gob tried to hide his disappointment. Being older should have meant he went first, even though he intellectually knew that most people don’t see color until far later in life. Michael was just freakishly early. But hearing Michael describe everything in detailed color names Gob couldn’t understand got old fast. It didn’t mean anything to Gob that apparently his eyes were a mix of green and blue, or that his favorite jacket was a bright purple that was ‘garrish’ to people with color in their lives. And hearing about Tracey, perfect Tracey, was definitely boring after the hundredth time.

Then again, Michael also lost his ability to see color much sooner than most. 

Tracey’s funeral was grey. Even Lindsay, arms linked with Tobias, said it was grey. She said that the flowers were white, the coffin was black, and the sky was stormy silver. 

Gob spent the next few years wandering, as Gob was prone to do. Wandering improved your chances, the talk shows said, because meeting new people meant that you may bump into your soulmate faster. Not that Gob was trying, of course. After all that business with Tracey, and how unhappy Lindsay and Tobias could make each other, soulmates just didn’t seem worth the hype.

He wished that he could know what purple meant though. It was still his favorite color, or at least the one he wound up picking more often than not. Maybe partially he had started liking purple because Michael said it hurt his eyes, but by this point, it was more of a comfort than anything else. 

And one night, Gob wandered into a club, solely because the ad on the street said that there was a magic show that night. A man waltzed on stage, his face kind of obscured. His whole thing was that he was gay, apparently, or something. He walked into a closet. And suddenly, he burst out of the beanbag chair next to Gob. 

And the whole world shifted, so suddenly Gob was almost dizzy.

He saw sky blue, he saw jet black, and he saw purple.   
But more importantly than any of that, he saw the most attractive man he’d ever seen before.  
He saw Tony Wonder.  
And judging by the look in his (sky blue, like out of the blue, like every expression and cliche suddenly clicking) eyes, Tony Wonder somehow, miraculously, saw George Oscar Bluth.

Tony stopped the show then, ignoring his angry agent and toning out the mixed ooohs and ahhhs and awws and jeers of the crowd. They stuttered over their words for a while, that first night, sharing drinks and stories and “sames”. They both loved purple, even more now that they could see it for what it was.

Purple was strong, purple was wild, purple was sequins and smoke and the element of surprise.

Gob thought about calling Michael, or maybe even Lindsay. But he didn’t want to stop talking to Tony for a moment, and he wasn’t good enough at texting to do it without looking at the keyboard. And even though the world around him was new, and fresh, and he half wanted to run around and ask someone older to name every new color he saw... 

Memorizing Tony’s face was more urgent somehow, and the most important thing Gob could imagine doing, for a long, long, long time.


	2. Messy

Tony really didn’t intend to meet the Bluths this way.

He means, sure, he had already known the Bluths, peripherally. They were always on the news, and he had definitely been to a charity fundraiser of theirs or two over the years. He roughly knew something about every member of the family, he thought he knew what to expect.

He just always thought that when he met the Bluths, as Gob’s boyfriend, he’d be wearing more than a sheet with chocolate frosting.

The day had started out normal enough, actually. Tony woke up, spent his routine thirty minutes on his hair, eyeliner, and outfit. He kissed Gob goodbye before he got into his car and drove to the club, allegedly to sort out the details of a ‘show’ that night with the owner and his agent.

But Tony circled back ten minutes later, and drove the other direction, until he was three towns over, where he picked up a new glitter cannon, his custom purple pleather tuxedo jacket for the party, and a three layered birthday cake that spelt out “Happy Birthday God”.

And that’s where things went to shit.

Because, seriously, come on! Who makes a birthday cake for God? The baker should have known that it was G.O.B. So of course, Tony had to pick up some extra frosting so that he, because Tony has to do everything around here, could scrape off the “d” and make a “b”.

But maybe Tony kind of overestimated how much frosting he needed to write one letter. And thinking about Gob’s surprised face at his party kind of got him a little hard.

Which is how Tony wound up posing seductively in their bedroom, naked and covered in frosting. A little pre-birthday gift, if you’ll have it. But Tony maybe got bored, because for some reason Gob didn’t come home when he was supposed to. Which was weird, because Tony specifically told him that he needed to come home by five pm, and he needed to be ready for a special night, which Gob interpreted to mean Tony’s new magic show followed by sex, and Tony meant his surprise birthday party. Also followed by sex. And probably preceded by sex. 

Which means that it’s totally reasonable for Tony to practice his latest trick, which is really Gob’s favorite trick, the fireball one. He wants to really master it so he can do it for Gob, and maybe use it in his act but only if he can actually do it and only if Gob says it’s okay.

But the fireball trick is actually a lot harder to do than you’d think. Which is how the bed kind of caught on fire. And the curtains. And the smoke alarm went off, and the fire really started to spread, and it blocked the door, so Tony just gathered up the sheet and climbed out the balcony, and down the trellis, and he’s lucky he’s tiny (not that he’ll ever admit it, he’s perfectly average height) because that means the trellis can support his weight.

Except Tony is also kind of scared of heights. So he freezes halfway down.

“TONY?”

And thank god, Gob came home, Gob can get him down and they can put out the fire and-

“Is this the friend you wanted us to meet?”

And screw god, because that is not Gob’s voice.

Michael shields his eyes as he looks up at Tony hanging by the side of the home. “You okay there?”

Tony shuts his eyes and hopes this is a bad dream.

“TONY! ARE YOU STUCK?”

Then again, in his dreams, Gob has some sense of decorum, so this has to be reality. Because of course it is.

“I don’t see why the homosexuals have to be so dramatic about everything. And really, a toga? I understand that it may have been in vogue in Greece, when everyone was a homo, but honestly-”

“Mother, enough. Tony, do you need help?”

Tony decides that he likes Michael more than Lucille. But his voice is stuck in his throat, so he won’t be able to answer, at least for a little while.

“Mother, why is that man naked?”

Buster. Definitely Buster.

“Don’t look directly at him, dear.”

“TONY! I’M COMING!”

Shit, Tony has to warn Gob about the fire. He tries to relax his vocal cords enough, but they’re frozen in fear. He manages to squeak out, “Fire!”

“WHAT’S THAT?”

Tony coughs, desperate. “FIRE!”

He can practically feel Gob’s shrug in his reply, the causal pyromaniac bastard. “Okay, I’ll pick up the one in the hall closet. I’M ON MY WAY!”

And Tony feels the embarrassment pooling in his stomach, but also relief, because Gob is coming, Gob will make things better, or make things more chaotic, which is statistically more likely, but even if things empirically get worse, Gob just being there makes things better.

After Gob coaxes Tony back into the foam covered bedroom, and Tony remembers to put on pants and a shirt, they go back downstairs, where Gob’s family has discovered the cake. They brought their own alcohol, for some reason. Tony suspects they might just travel with it. Gob tears up a little at the cake, apparently the Bluths weren’t big on birthdays growing up. Gob’s own siblings even seem a little surprised that it’s his birthday, but Michael and Lindsay at least cover it up well enough.

Tony sits next to Michael, and gets to hear stories about Gob growing up. Lindsay likes to interject with stories about herself, but that’s okay, because she’s a part of Gob’s family too. He keeps forgetting Buster is there. Buster evidently is part ninja, that kid can pop up out of nowhere.

Lucille is mildly more tolerable when she’s completely wasted instead of buzzed. She even tells Tony that his haircut is “adorable”, and he can almost ignore the condescension in her tone. She says that it figures, she’d end up with two gay son-in-laws. Tony smiles and asks who the other one is. Apparently there’s another gay guy in the family, Tobias, but Tony could almost swear Gob said that he was married to Lindsay. Whatever, Tony can pester Gob about it later. For now, Tony is happy that Lucille just referred to him as her son-in-law, although he and Gob aren’t married, they aren’t even engaged.

Yet.

And Tony’s not sure where that thought comes from. But he does know that even when Gob’s family is drunk and eating all the cake and being too loud, Gob is staring at him so hungrily he wonders (did somebody say-) why he ever thought he needed the frosting in the first place. And this feels kind of permanent, which is super weird, but he feels like they could be doing this again, for Gob’s seventieth birthday, and Tony could still be here, in this messy family.

Tony winces as the frosting hardens on his nipples. Messy. Yeah. At least he fits in.


	3. Ficlets

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ficlet prompts! http://electricbluebutterflies.tumblr.com/post/119405480223/send-me-a-pairing-and-a-number-and-ill-write-you Send me any in the comments and I'll do them too!

#33: Please Don't Do This

Gob had his back against the wall, panic rising in his throat. His pleading eyes met Tony’s, which were dark and steely with fury. 

“Please don’t do this.”

Tony didn’t respond, only shifted his weight from one foot to the other. 

“Tony?”

Gob winced, waiting for the inevitable. Of course it was too good to be true-

*SPLAT*

Tony let out a whoop. “I GOT YOU!”

“Oh, come on! These are-”

“Pants I secretly got you at Target so you couldn’t use that line, ha!” Tony’s smile was too wide for Gob to be mad. He grabbed the water gun off the side table. 

It was war time.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

32\. “I think I’m in love with you and I’m terrified.”

Tony had three new voicemails. All of them were from Gob Bluth. And he had no idea what to expect. He poured out a glass of wine before he started; he strongly suspected he would need to be at least buzzed to handle it. Maybe Gob was calling to say that he didn’t believe Tony’s message, that he didn’t believe Tony had truly forgotten Cinco (he hadn’t, he just didn’t know what to do so he made up the story and god- he was so stupid). Maybe it was Gob calling to say that Tony had the ‘wrong number’, cutting off contact forever. Maybe Gob hated him, woke up hating him. Maybe-

Tony pressed the ‘listen’ button before he could panic anymore.

*Beep*

“Hey, Tony, it’s Gob. Um. Hey. I’m not sure how much you remember about me. We’ve met a few times. My dad’s George Bluth, our family is sort of on the news a lot. I was the founder of the Magician’s Alliance! But then I was kicked out- totally not my fault, I swear. We also met once a few years ago, with my kid brother Buster. I know we told you he was the magician, but really, that’s me, obviously- Oh, but um- I think I’m in love with you and I’m terrified.”

*Beep*

“Sorry! Shit! Didn’t mean to hang up there. Um. This is still Gob, if you didn’t know. And I uh- I don’t know what else to say.”

*Beep*

“I mean. I kind of know what I want to say, I don’t know what I should say. I know I say the wrong thing a lot of the time. I don’t think you love me back. Which is fine, whatever, most people don’t. Love me, that is. But uh- I think I love you. Which is crazy, because you don’t remember me. And I’m not gay. Maybe a little, actually. But yeah. I love you. Which is weird. So I totally get it if you never talk to me again, although that would make me really sad and would suck. So if you want to, you know, just so I’m not freaking out forever, you could maybe call me back? Or, um- I could come to your show tonight. I’ll be in the back, so I won’t throw you off, I promise. Just... meet me at the bar after your show, if you want? Yeah... Cool.”

Tony started getting dressed, mind wheeling. But he took extra care with his hair. After all, he had a date tonight.

~~~~~~~~~  
6\. "Is there a reason you're naked in my bed?"

Tony almost had a heart attack when he noticed the person sized lump in his bed. He ran through the permutations of who or what it could be. Most burglars don’t go for your bed, so that was out. Sally Sitwell gave Tony her keys to his place. He didn’t have a dog (ew) or a cat (yet). That only left one possible answer.

“Is there a reason you’re naked in my bed?”

Gob groaned and rolled from his stomach to his back, an arm thrown over his eyes to block out the three pm sun. “I’m hungover, you dick.”

“But my bed?”

Gob squinted at his surroundings. “Shit, am I at your place?”

“Uh, yeah?” Tony placed a hand on his hip and tried to look stern.

“Shit. I think I- I maybe climbed through your window? I can’t really remember.” Gob looked at Tony’s face through lidded eyes. “Not a forget-me-now can’t remember, just a drunk can’t remember.”

Tony nodded once. “Good. No more forget me nows, okay Gobie?”

He smiled. “I think I maybe missed you, is all.”

Tony didn’t know what to say.

Gob stretched (like a cat, Tony thought with fondness) and smushed his face against Tony’s pillow. “I like it here, it smells like you.” And bam. The walking disaster known as Gob Bluth was asleep again.

Tony could ask Gob how he got this drunk during the day when he woke up, maybe. For now, he was going to take a nap with his boyfriend.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

13\. “Kiss me.”

When the song first came on the radio, both men had immediately stiffened and flashed back to earlier periods of their lives.

Tony remembered his thirtieth (or was it thirty first?) girlfriend, derisively rolling her eyes as she applied heavy eyeliner in the hotel mirror. “This song is so lame.” Tony nodded in agreement, not really listening. But when they broke up the next day, he bought the song and listened to it all night, half out of spite, and half because it was really rather catchy.

Gob remembered Lindsay belting out the lyrics in her room. He went in there to tell her to shut up, but somehow he wound up wearing a feather boa and singing along. He never could resist a chance to perform, and Mother had been particularly nasty to Linds that week anyway. 

Neither made eye contact with each other until the song was halfway through. And then Gob started to hum. 

Tony grinned, softly singing under his breath. 

Gob burst into his crooked smile, and began to belt out-

“Swing me upon its hanging tire  
Bring, bring, bring your flowered hat  
We’ll take the trail marked on your father’s map” 

Tony gave into the magic of Gob, he always did, and started to harmonize with his wonderful, dorky boyfriend. 

“Oh, kiss me beneath the milky twilight  
Lead me out on the moonlit floor, lift your open hand  
Strike up the band and make the fireflies dance  
Silver moon’s sparkling-”

The air guitar wasn’t exactly appropriate for the song, but then again, was it truly inappropriate?

“So kiss me  
Kiss me beneath the milky twilight  
Lead me out on the moonlit floor, lift your open hand  
Strike up the band and make the fireflies dance  
Silver moon’s sparkling”

On the final verse, they pulled up into the parking lot in the Little Ballroom. But they stayed in the car, an unspoken agreement to finish out the song.

“So kiss me”.

Tony arched an eyebrow. “So?”

And Gob obliged.


	4. Coffeshop AU (Sort of)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The prompt was to rewrite a cliche with a twist. :) Send me a prompt in the comments and I'll do it! <3

Every day, Gob gets a large coffee with extra whipped cream, extra sugar, and extra cinnamon. He actually should admit to himself and the world that he just doesn’t like coffee, but his “I’m a CEO” vibe just isn’t complete without walking into a meeting fifteen minutes late with coffee. It gives him something to do with his hands, anyway. 

Of course, a CEO can’t just go to Starbucks. Gob goes to the fanciest coffeehouse he can find, which conveniently enough is only a block away from work. There, he orders his overpriced coffee, and picks up a newspaper to go with it. He never reads the paper, he just carries it so everyone thinks he reads it. 

And then, instead of going to work, Gob goes next door to the Wonder(full) Bakery. 

Wonder(full) Bakery is actually where Gob spends most of his time. They make the best chocolate chip muffins, and they don’t mind him bringing in his coffee from next door. The old guy who works there must be about 80. His son is the one running the place now. 

His freakishly gorgeous son.

Gob doesn’t even know his name. He said it once, years ago, but Gob was too busy staring and he missed it. He’s been too embarrassed to ask, if he could even ever muster the courage to talk to him. 

Which is silly, because here he is, a guy in a six thousand dollar suit, and he can’t talk to a guy in thirty dollar jeans.

Thirty dollar jeans that fit perfectly, his treacherous brain supplies.

Gob is lost in thought and almost spills his coffee when the old guy taps him on the shoulder. 

“Ah! Um, yeah, hello?”

The old dude looks pointedly at his son, then back at Gob. When Gob just blinks a lot in response, he sighs, and hands him a flyer. It’s for a magic show that evening. 

“Go ask Tony to the show. He loves magic.” And with that, he shuffles away. 

Gob feels like throwing up, dancing, and bursting into laughter all at once. He reaches into his briefcase, the Italian leather gleaming in the dusty sunlight, and tucks a trick bouquet of flowers into his jacket sleeve. He thinks about stalling, but really, he’s waited long enough. Tony’s eyes (and how great is it that he can say that now, Tony’s eyes) follow him curiously as he gets back in line, half eaten chocolate muffin saving his table. 

Gob has a baker’s heart to win.


	5. Bar Talks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> quetzalcoatlisborn asked:  
> i am truly desperate for more gob/tony + michael awkward interaction. or sweet gob/tony + linsday interaction. or buster. or maeby. or george michael. i am leaving this very open my apologies

Michael knows that it sounds like he hates being the ‘mature one’ of the family. And true, he has been envious of his carefree siblings for most of his life. But there are perks to being the responsible one. Well. Not really perks. More like satisfaction that he can’t find anywhere else, or in anything else, which is probably how he constantly gets dragged back in, no matter how many times he swears he’s out.

That tendency to get dragged back into Bluth drama is exactly why he is the one who has to have this talk with Tony.

Michael parks the stair car on the street across from The Little Ballroom. It’s not that he’s afraid of being recognized, and more that he doesn’t want the media involved anymore than they already will be. The bouncer doesn’t seemed phased by his appearance, even though he realizes once he steps into the club that he should have worn more leather if he wanted to fit in. Maybe he could have borrowed something from Tobias-

He spills his drink down his shirt when Tony Wonder’s voice suddenly whispers in his ear. “Michael Bluth, what a pleasant surprise. Oh wait, I’m NEVER surprised.”

As he dabs at his shirt with flimsy bar napkins (is that logo supposed to resemble an erect penis?) he thinks to himself that Tony and Gob are perfect for each other. Probably. That doubt is why he’s here, when he could be at home with his son, reconnecting. “Hello, Tony.”

Tony backs away from his ear, thankfully, and takes a seat at the bar next to Michael. The bartender slides him a drink, premade. “So, are you here to give me the German Inquisition?”

Michael really needs to give Gob a history lesson, maybe some of that will rub off on Tony. You know, if Tony checks out alright. “How’d you guess?” Michael at least feels safe enough with Tony that he can relax a bit, which happens less often than you’d think with Gob’s friends.

Tony shrugs, running a finger through styled black hair. “I had a brother too, I know what it’s like?”

“Had?”

“He died a few years back, it’s not really a big thing.” Tony sips at his drink. “But anyway, yeah, I know how siblings work.” He smiles at Michael. “You want to make sure that I won’t be bad for Gob.”

Michael doesn’t know what to think. “I’m sorry to hear about your brother.” Tony waves a hand, brushing away the past like a good potential Bluth member. And Jesus Christ, either he’s had too much to drink or Tony is actually a magician, because he should not be liking the guy as much as he is. Michael takes a long swig of his drink just to shake himself back to reality.

“Are you sure you aren’t just doing this for a) the Bluth name, b) the Bluth fortune, c) some weird freaky convoluted plot that always seems to happen, or d) all of the above?” Michael ticks off the options on his fingers. Because there has to be something, there’s always something. The Bluths don’t get happy endings. And if they did, why the hell would it start with Gob?

Tony grins, and it’s a bit sad, and a bit mean, and a little bit feral. And Michael knows that Tony gets it. “A) the Bluth name is rather sullied already, don’t you think? Because B) everyone knows about the Bluth ‘fortune’ tanking, C) who says a convoluted plot isn’t how Gob and I met, and D)-” Instead of answering D, Tony just gestures for the bartender to get Michael another drink. He looks the other man in the eyes. “I love Gob.”

Michael downs the new drink, and god, he hates himself when he realizes that he actually fits in with this messed up family. 

“I know you do.”


	6. Camping

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Blunder for the 'We decided it would be fun to go camping and now it’s raining and we can’t figure out how to set up the tent AU' :^)

The problem with Gob, Tony muses, is that he can make anything sound like the greatest idea ever. 

This is what happened, two weeks ago, when Gob started bouncing on the bed, talking nonstop about the nature show he just finished watching. “We should go camping, Tony, CAMPING!” Tony’s instincts weren’t as sharp as they used to be, and camping actually sounded like it could be fun. Tony had heard enough stories about George Sr. and the Bluth household to safely assume Gob had never gone camping before, which meant that the mildly more experienced Tony (he and David went camping twice with friends) could show him the ropes.

Plus, stargazing was super romantic.

So, everything was going to be perfect. Tony had planned for everything. They had a massive, top of the line tent, champagne in the cooler, and smores materials. The campsite was beautiful, and when they pulled in to the lot, Gob had been ecstatic. 

Three hours later, and their spirits were dampened. Or, more accurately, drowned by the onslaught of rain. 

“I think we need to put this there, that here, and the other thing over where the first thing is!” 

*Smack*

“Ow!”

“Shit, Tony, I’m sorry.” Gob’s puppy dog eyes are really unfair.

“It’s okay, just... we need to figure out how to get this tent set up, my hair is deflating.”

Gob looked determined. “Yeah, I know. We could probably have used those instructions though.”

“Hey! It totally made sense to use it to get the fire started.”

“Oh, definitely, I saw your logic there.” Gob looked around. “We need to figure something out soon though.”

Tony tried to think. “Hey, Gobie!”

“Yeah?” Despite the circumstances, Gob still smiled at the nickname.

“Let’s hook the tent up to the back of the van. It’ll be easier to hold in place, and the van will be an easier place to sleep anyway.” Tony was startled when Gob picked him up and swung him in a small circle. 

“That’s brilliant, Tony!” Gob kissed him, and at that moment, the rain was almost as romantic as the stars would have been.

Besides, the stars came out later that night, when the sound of raindrops falling on the roof of the van finally stopped. Gob was the one who shook Tony awake. “Let’s go see some stars.”

Tony smiled. “Nah. I’m good. I’ve got my biggest star right here.”

Gob’s smile was more than enough to make Tony love camping.


	7. First Dates

About two months into dating, Gob realized that he and Tony hadn’t gone on a real date yet. He turned over and shook Tony awake.

“It’s three am, Gob.”

Gob didn’t care about that. He started waving his hands around wildly. “Tony, we haven’t been on a real date yet. That’s not good, right?”

Tony groaned and sat up, rubbing the sleep from his eyes. “Okay, so we’re having this conversation now. Great.” He gave Gob a sleepy glare. “Fine. Well, I think we haven’t gone on a real date because you’re, you know, closeted for the company’s sake.”

Gob squirmed a little. “Oh, right. That’s why. The- the company. Yeah.”

“Yeah.” And with that, Tony rolled over and went back to sleep.

Which is probably what Gob should have done too, but now he had a lot more to think about.

~~~

The next morning, Tony woke up to the sound of Gob drawing on the whiteboard they keep in the bedroom (for diagramming their awesome sex, obviously). Tony could barely make out what was written on the whiteboard, Gob had covered every visible inch with writing.

“Gobie? What’s this?”

Gob grinned. “This is our first real date night. Like, the plan for it.” He went back to writing. “Keep Friday open!”

This was going to be interesting.

~~~

When Friday night finally came around, Tony was surprised to feel a little nervous. He spent longer picking an outfit than he cared to admit, because, seriously, it’s just Gob, they’ve already seen each other naked. But he also knew how much this date night meant to him, so if he picked the button down Gob had once said made his eyes pop, well? Who could blame him?

Gob had clearly spent some time on his outfit too; Tony recognized the leather jacket from that night they reconnected at his show. Gob’s eyes widened a little when he saw Tony, so Tony took that as a good sign.

They took the limo, of course. Tony thought they might be going to the Little Ballroom or something, but Gob got on the highway and drove until they hit the beach. There, Gob revealed the picnic basket and blankets.

“I hope that a beach picnic is okay?”

Tony grabbed Gob’s hand. “A beach picnic is beyond perfect.”

They ate in silence for a while. Tony only choked twice. The waves crashing against the sand was surprisingly relaxing. When the sun started to go down, Tony suddenly understood why watching a sunset together was such a cliche. Gob looked beautiful drenched in golden light. It looked like Gob had the same thought too, leaning in to kiss Tony, when suddenly-

“SURPRISE!”

The entire Bluth clan appeared, all talking at once.

“Welcome, Tony, to our little megé eight! Hope you have good strong pelvic muscles!”

“Tony Wonder!”

“Hey, Tony, sorry for this, I tried to talk him out of it but you know how-”

“Hi, Uncle Gob’s boyfriend.”

“You had to go be homosexual with another magician. Humph. Well, at least this one is mildly successful.”

Gob whispered in Tony’s ear, maybe a bit unnecessarily, “I told them.” And even though this was nothing like the classic first date Tony had been imagining, it was a dozen times better. Because it was a classic Gob first date, chaotic and singular and poorly timed as hell.

Later that night, when the other Bluth’s had finally gotten the hint and given them some privacy to go have awesome beach sex, Tony pressed a small, chaste kiss to Gob’s forehead.

“Thank you.” Tony grinned. “This was the best date ever.”

“Wait until next Friday! We’re going bowling!”


	8. Meet The Parents

“Oh my god, stop fidgeting. You’ll be fine.” Tony straightens Gob’s tie. “And I told you, you didn’t need to dress up, it’s just my parents.”

Gob still looks panicked. “It’s not ‘just’ your parents, Tony! Parents don’t tend to like me.” Which, Tony has to admit, is probably true. But Tony’s parents are dotting old bakers, this should go over fine.

He tells Gob as much, but he still seems worried. Tony slips his hand into Gob’s, and suddenly, the tension drains visibly from his boyfriend.  
‘I can’t believe someone who responds this well to touch claims to not like PDA.’ Tony thinks to himself, before pulling Gob down for a kiss. While Gob is distracted, Tony rings the doorbell.

“Hello! Oh, Tony! You’re so skinny!” And with that, Gob and Tony break their kiss, Gob frantically shoving his arm out and nearly hitting Mrs. Wonder in the face. Mr. Wonder pokes his head around his wife.

“Howdy there, boys!” Mr. Wonder is wearing a bright red plaid shirt with visible bleach stains.

Gob gives Tony a look, and yeah, Tony’s parents are beyond embarrassing. But hey, they’re his parents, and all that crap. But Gob is still giving him a look, and Tony can’t quite figure out what’s up.

When they sit down and Gob texts him under the table that he doesn’t ‘know how to do normal’, Tony thinks back to Lucille and gets it. So Tony holds his hand all throughout dinner, and whispers a promise of vodka afterward when Gob realizes the older Wonder’s don’t drink, and by the end of the night, Gob manages to hug Mrs. Wonder back.

When Gob hugs her, she whispers something in his ear that makes his face light up.

It’s not until they’re three shots to the wind at home that Gob tells Tony what she said.

“You’re so good for him, look at him smile.”

And Tony knows he’s doing it again, grinning at Gob like he’s the best thing he’s ever seen, but hey- it’s true.


	9. Helpless

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (Based on the song from Hamilton)

Helpless.

Tony was helpless, the moment their eyes met, bright blue lightning suddenly grounded by a sea of grey-green. He knew he was doing something, what was it? Oh yeah, he was mid show, but that didn’t matter, all that mattered was that his carefully cultivated wall of ego and hairspray had been invaded and torn down with a single glance. He almost felt like he was suddenly naked, all his faults laid bare in front of this stranger, wait, not a stranger.

He’s seen his photo before, in Poof, more often than not in the fail column but hey, with eyes like that...

Because seriously, are those eyes ever going to blink and set him free? Or maybe time has just stood still for the last hour, and that’s going to be the last good hour of his life if he can’t find a way to call those eyes back for more after the show.

Tony made the mistake of glancing down, and the lips beneath those eyes are mesmerizing. What if they eventually form the words ‘go away’? That would be heartbreak, and yet he’s going to risk that because he can’t not try. He’s really doing this, he’s really going to put his neck out, which is really really not something he does. And he’s putting his neck out for Gob Bluth, of all people.

But Tony is helpless.

So he leans in, and tells Gob to meet him after the show, for friendly drinks, of course.


	10. Penis Pizza and Officer Sandy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompt: Your OTP are the only two people in a pizza place
> 
> Happy Cinco de Cuatro everybody!

“Jesus Christ, the service in here is terrible.” 

Tony Wonder couldn’t argue with that. He’d been waiting for almost half an hour to place his order, and there still wasn’t an employee in sight. He turned to the only other person in the place, a tall lanky brunet. “Yeah, where is everybody?” The stranger shrugged, then patted the counter seat next to him, a clear invitation.

Tony made his way over, because, why the hell not, maybe some small talk would distract him from the sounds his stomach was making. “Thanks.” Tony stuck out his hand, and the other man shook it, a surprisingly practiced and firm handshake. 

“I’m Gob Bluth.” Gob Bluth looked a little proud of himself, and Tony made a mental note to Google him later. Maybe his family needed a magician.

“Tony Wonder.” Tony briefly regretted that he hadn’t hidden somewhere to make his customary entrance, but seriously, he just wanted to get his pizza and get out.

Gob’s forehead wrinkled, and Tony fought the urge to find it endearing. “I know you! You’re a fellow magician, right?”

 

Tony grinned. “Yeah, wait- did you say fellow magician?” He couldn’t recall ever seeing Gob at the Magician’s Alliance.

Gob winced. “Currently not Alliance affiliated, even though I founded the damn thing.” His voice was filled with regret, and the smallest bit of righteous fury.

Ohh. “You’re THAT Gob Bluth? On the wall, it says your name is George Oscar?” Tony was conflicted. On one hand, non Alliance affiliated magicians were notoriously shoddy. On the other hand, if Gob had actually founded the Alliance, then he had been a major driving force in legitimizing magic in this area. Tony found himself looking at Gob with new respect.

“George Oscar Bluth- G.O.B. So, I go by Gob Bluth.”

Tony frowned. “Isn’t the B redundant, then?”

Gob shrugged. “Maybe, but it doesn’t sound as good without it. George is my father, Oscar is my uncle. It’s nice to get a name that’s just mine.” He eyed Tony jealously. “You have the perfect name for magic.”

He tried not to preen under the praise. Or at least, not too much. “Thanks.” Tony briefly weighed the potential consequences of sharing his secret. “Wanna hear a magician’s secret?”

“Do I ever!”  
Tony leaned in close, not noticing the way Gob’s skin got goosebumps at his proximity, but realizing with a start that whatever Gob’s aftershave was, it was intoxicating. He forced himself to focus. “My real last name isn’t Wonder. I changed it.”

Gob gasped, and Tony thought that he would make the perfect audience member. Gob positioned himself closer to Tony, and whispered back, “What was it?”

It occurred to Tony that the pizza parlor was empty, and that maybe all the whispering was superfluous, but damn it, it was fun. “Wunder, with a u. Super stupid.”

Gob nodded in agreement. “Yeah, super stupid. Good move, changing it.” Tony feels a twinge of annoyance at this strange man dissing his real name, but the annoyance flees quickly, turning into something more like kinship. George Oscar Bluth must be an expert on super stupid names. 

“Thanks.” The two men sat in silence for a moment, surveying the room and trying not to get caught checking the other out. Tony felt the familiar hum in his bones, the hum that happens right before a show, when something wonderful (did somebody say, Wonder?) is going to happen. He snuck a peak at Gob, who was fighting a smile, and knew that he felt the same. But now it had become a game, a challenge to see who could stay still the longest.

It ended up being Gob who caved first, and somehow that didn’t surprise Tony at all. He flashed Tony a grin, then vaulted himself over the counter, landing semi-gracefully on the other side. “Why don’t we just make our own pizza? How hard could it be?”

Tony grinned. “Yeah, how hard could it be?”

~~~

When the black smoke started making it hard to see the penis shaped pizza they’re making, Tony had to call it. “Gob, I think we might have made a huge mistake.”

Through the smoke, Tony could see Gob’s eyes blink in surprise. Gob’s eyes, with their shade of green-grey-blue, shone through the haze and sent tiny butterflies into his stomach. “What did you just say?”

Tony repeated himself, a bit hesitantly, only to be cut off by Gob’s mouth landing on his ferociously. Gob was warm, and wild, and everything Tony thought he could maybe become. 

There wasn’t nearly as much smoke on the floor. Tony’s mind raced back to some old science class, but kissing Gob felt like a more pressing concern.

“Freeze!”

Tony bit back a groan, and not the sexy kind. That voice was one he knew a little too well. To his surprise, Gob broke into a grin. 

“Hey, Not-A-Stripper Officer Sandy!”

Well. Now he had to see this. Tony pulled himself up off the floor, and yep- there was his least favorite cop. She was staring at Gob with a look of complete horror, which only doubled in intensity when she saw Tony.

“Oh hell no. Please tell me you two aren’t-” She rubbed the bridge of her nose. “You know what. Forget it. Tony. Gob. Did you knowingly break into this pizza place?”

Tony frowned. “Hey, I didn’t break in! The door wasn’t working, so I came in through the back.”

Gob shrugged. “Same, only I came in through the window.”

Officer Sandy looked tired. “If the door isn’t working, and no one is here, that means that-” She trailed off expectantly.

To his credit, Gob tried. “It means that... we need to get creative?”

“No. It means that it’s closed, Gob.” She sniffed the air. “What’s burning?”

Tony decided to start contributing to the proceedings as well. “That? That was just our penis pizza.” Gob sniggered, causing Tony to fight back giggles himself. It was rather hilarious, if he said so himself. They even were using peperoni on the ball portion.

The officer sighed. “So. Not arson, then?”

Gob huffed, offended. “If this was arson, then the Banana stand burning down was arson too, right? Ha.”

Officer Sandy wrote down something in her notebook, then sighed. “Look. Can you two just, I don’t know, go anywhere but here?” She eyed Gob’s distinctly ruffled hair. “Like a motel or something?”

“But- the pizza-” His voice was full of longing, and Tony made a silent promise to make sure to stock up on pizza for his apartment. 

“Gob. You can order delivery. Please leave.” Tony noticed the hint of desperation in Officer Sandy’s voice and grabbed Gob’s hand. He started pulling him towards the exit, only to be stopped when Officer Sandy made one more comment, this time with a hint of humor in her voice. Finally.

“And congratulations. You two are perfect for each other.”


	11. eHarmony

Gob was so, completely, totally pissed at Michael. Which felt like a constant state of being, really, not necessarily something new, but still. 

To be fair, he had pranked Michael first. But that was nothing compared to the atrocities Michael had just forced upon him. Gob just dumped Michael’s entire office into the bay. Michael signed Gob up for eHarmony.

Which was crazy. Gob wasn’t lonely. Just because Michael had been married, he thought he was the ‘expert of love’ or whatever. Well, he wasn’t. His wife had died, so who was the lonely loser now?

Although.

It really would be a shame to not read those five blinking messages. Because Gob maybe did read the profile Michael had written up for him, and maybe it was pretty good. He’d even checked the ‘both’ box for gender preference and everything, even though Gob was pretty sure he’d never mentioned that part of his life to his brother.

Michael had even picked a pretty good profile picture too. It was one where he was up on stage, cape flying with the wind of a strategically placed fan, a fireball actually coming out right. Who wouldn’t be attracted to that?

The first message was a generic ‘hey’ from a woman with no profile picture. Um. No. Gob deleted it instantly.

The second message was some obviously robotic person claiming that they could supply him with a no fail mortgage in Sudden Valley. Gob filed that away for future reference.

And the third- well.

_Oh, cool, you’re into magic? I’m doing a show tonight at the Gothic Castle, you should come. It’d be nice to see those sexy eyes in person. ~ Tony Wonder_

Gob decided to ignore the next two messages for the time being. It didn’t take too long to draft a reply to Tony.

_How do I know you aren’t an internet psycho wanting to wear my skin? -G.O.B._

He was about to go back to his usual routine of looking up swear words in other languages when the dating site made a ‘ping’.

_Woah, super specific example, kinda weird. Now how do I know YOU won’t do that? And why is your name just initials? ~ Tony Wonder_

Gob felt a grin flicker across his lips. 

_Uh, desperate much? Way to reply, like, super quickly. And you’re the one that messaged me, so, if anyone’s an internet psycho, it’s you. And my name is George Oscar Bluth, but George is my father’s name._

He didn’t have to wait very long at all for a reply, but it was long enough to start checking out Tony Wonder’s profile. He had cats, which was kind of lame, but he also had some videos of his own magic act, and- wow. Not only were his eyes very blue, but he was very good at magic. Gob started scanning Tony’s answers to the questions.

What would be your perfect date: Dinner and a show. A magic show. My magic show.

Favorite Flower: Tiger Lilies. Rawr.

What are you looking for in a partner: Someone like me.

‘Ping!’

_It’s not called being desperate, it’s called being forward, which is the opposite of being desperate. You’re the one who signed up for eHarmony. My brother signed me up as a prank. ~ Tony Wonder_

Gob startled in his seat, because seriously? His fingers flew across the keyboard, not noticing Michael’s smug face watching him from the doorway.

_Really? My brother signed ME up as a prank. Weird. Is your brother a toolbag too?_

‘Ping!’

_Ugh, totally. He thinks he’s so cool, just because he’s thirty five and I’m a few years older than him. Does your brother totally not get magic too? ~ Tony Wonder_

Gob quickly did some mental math.

_Same! On both accounts, on the age and the magic thing, yeah, same! Weird._

‘Ping!’ Gob was coming to love that sound. He wasn’t quite sure what he was feeling. It wasn’t hunger, or anger, or empty. It wasn’t even really wanting sex, although another glance at Tony’s ass in those leather performance pants made that argument slightly more questionable. It was almost like- like he wanted to keep talking to Tony? Was that a thing?

_The show starts in half an hour and I need to do a stage check, are you coming or what? ~ Tony Wonder_

‘Ping!’

_Although, if you do come, maybe we should lay low about the eHarmony thing, okay? ~ Tony Wonder_

Gob was already on his way. After all, he had to pick up Tiger Lilies.


	12. Three Years Later

Michael Bluth groaned as he slid into his designated seat. Why did he even put up with his family? It wasn’t like they’d ever done anything for him. Thankfully, a guaranteed ally in the form of his ‘twin’ sister Lindsay was already sitting down in the row ahead. He tapped her on her silk encrusted shoulder.

Lindsay Bluth was not in the mood to make small talk with her spoilsport brother. “What do you want now, Michael.” It was clearly not a question. And yet-

“I want to be at home, with my boy. And instead, I’m here, for god knows what-”

Lindsay rolled her eyes. “This is so typical you, Michael. Gob and the other guy called us here for a reason. And George Michael is hardly a boy. Isn’t he a Junior Developer for Sitwell Enterprises?”

Michael groaned again. “I was hoping you hadn’t heard. Don’t remind me. I keep telling him, come home and work with me, your buddy, but does he listen? No. He doesn’t. And you know what else-” Michael trailed off as the curtain began to rise. The familiar smell of burnt licorice filled the room, and Michael silently swore to himself, because he had meant to hide the smoke machine, he really did.

“Ladies and Gentlemen.” Gob’s showmanship admittedly had improved drastically over the years, Michael had to admit. And at least Tony had mellowed out Gob a bit. A little. As much as one could reasonably mellow out Gob.

Gob had posed ridiculously with his hand on his chin. “Gee. I WONDER where my boyfriend is?”

Tony popped out of the awkwardly positioned and oversized cake. “Did somebody say Wonder?”

From the back row, Buster wolf whistled in lieu of a clap. His latest artificial hand had malfunctioned last week. Tony bowed again and again until Gob nudged him into stillness. “Ahem. For our first trick, we are going to travel back in time.” Gob pulled out his phone and tapped out a command, causing screechy sci fi sound effect music to echo through the speaker extremely close to Michael’s head.

Michael took advantage of the sound to lean in towards Lindsay again. “Seriously, if this takes longer than twenty minutes- I’m out of here.”

Meanwhile, Gob and Tony had apparently finished doing their time travel dance. Tony picked up the narration. “Three years ago- I was lost.”

“Three years ago- I was alone.” Gob chimed in, and Michael felt a twinge in his stomach. Not guilt, obviously, what did he have to be guilty for- but maybe it had been bad shrimp or something.

Tony and Gob joined hands on the stage. “Three years ago- I jumped out of a beanbag.” And suddenly, Gob pulled his face off, and Lucille screamed. Michael felt a little faint himself, but calmed down when he realized that, no, that was Tony wearing, of all things, a Gob mask. Which meant that-

“Three years ago- I wanted revenge.” Off came the Tony mask, and, yep, there was Michael’s older brother.

“Psst. Hey. Michael.” George Sr. was suddenly behind Michael. “Do you, uh, get what’s happening here? ‘Cause I’m- I’m completely lost.”

Michael shrugged. “It’s Gob and Tony, Dad, I’m not sure if they’re doing anything on purpose.”

“Fair enough.”

Dozens of doves swarmed the stage, causing Gob and Tony to disappear beneath a flurry of white. When the doves settled, even Michael had to admit that he was a little impressed. They’d both changed into tuxedos.

Wait. Who was that guy behind them?

“We are gathered here today to celebrate the union of Tony Wonder and George- sorry, Gob Bluth.”

A chorus of gasps arose from the gathered crowd of friends and family. Michael and Lindsay exchanged a guilty glance. 

They didn’t make a sign. 

Feeling rather resigned, Michael pulled out his cell phone and sent a quick text to George Michael. 

As Gob and Tony’s vows went on- and on- and on-, across town, George Michael frantically got to work on a sign, “Gob Love Tony.” As soon as the paint began to dry, he hoped into the old stair car and began a race across town. With any luck, he’d get there before the reception began.

After all. They were family, and that’s what you do for family.


	13. Portugal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 'Omg can you please write a little thing about Tony explaining to gob that Portugal doesn't celebrate cinco de Quatro and that Portugal is not in South America I would love that immensely'

Not for the first time, Tony wondered (did somebody say-) who let Gob Bluth pass high school.

“Come on, Gobie. I just need you to focus on my words for a moment.”

Gob Bluth was currently sprawled across their kitchen table, looking for all intents and purposes exactly like their 3 month old kitten, Magic. “Tony, I know you think you’re right. But-”

Tony rubbed his temple, trying to fight back the headache that sometimes still popped up when he had to convince Gob of some basic fact. “It’s not thinking I’m right, Gob, it’s literally a fact. I want you to look at this map, with me, right now.” Gob stared unblinkingly at the ceiling. Tony sighed. “Please, with sex on top?”

“Fine.” Gob rolled over and looked at the map Tony had spread on the table. “I still think you’re wrong.”

“Just look at this red circle here, okay? See how that’s a country? What’s the name of that country?”

Gob peered closer. “Portugal.”

“Great! Now, see how it’s next to Spain?”

“The Doctor Doolittle Country, yeah.” Gob’s voice expressed an annoyance that Tony was quite certain he could do without. But Gob was obviously remembering the ‘the rain in Spain falls mainly on the plane’ scene he had quoted so profusely after they first watched My Fair Lady, so Tony decided that he’d make the distinction between Eliza Doolittle and Doctor Doolittle some other day.

Instead, he nodded, letting a big grin slip across his lips. “Right! Okay. So. Gobie. Portugal is a part of-”

“Mexico.”

“No.” Seriously. Tony needed to have a talk with the other Bluth siblings, because between this and the ‘vodka goes bad’ shit, it looked like their parents had just flat out neglected to correct them whenever they were wrong. “No, Gob, Mexico is here, and a country. Portugal is across this ocean, see? And when a country is in this part of the world, it’s in Europe.”

Gob was frowning contemplatively. “So that’s why Portgual doesn’t celebrate Cuatro.”

“Yeah. So that’s why we can’t visit. They won’t recognize our gay-ness, because we had sex on Cuatro.”

Gob nodded, although he looked a little disappointed. “That makes sense.” Tony kissed him on the tip of his nose, sending Gob’s frown running away.

“Don’t worry babe. We can still go to Iceland for vacation. That’s where they invented ice cream, after all.”


End file.
